| sick as hell |
[21 Sep 2004|02:28pm] |
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This sucks so much im missing school what a bummer. I got soooooo sick. it was weid as hell. lets see friday night hanging out at the ussual haunts then saturday morning i was hugging the toilet. From then on i didnt stop hugging the toilet till monday. Somewere in between all this one of my friends dragged me away from the toilet on saturday and took me to the emergency hospital. I discovered that as long as i didnt eat i wouldnt throw up. The doctors had a whole other idea. They wouldnt let me out of there until i ate something and kept it down. what a bunch of jerks. In the end they couldnt figure out what was wrongs with me. i Couldnt stay in the hospital any more i was sick of the blood test, pee test,and I.V's. 6 needle holes later i told them despite how much i love this clone of the holiday inn i had to get home and try to recooperate there. HMMMMMM not a smart move. now im at home dieing here. My roomates are awesome though they all came to my hospital room when i was there and tried to make me feal better. When i got home they made me dinner and gave me like an hour massage. It fealt good. well i have tons and tons of hw to do plus i can feal a hurle coming on (damn that tempting jello)
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| mmmmmmmmmm lovin it |
[15 Sep 2004|10:15pm] |
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Going away to college is like breaking through a brick wall. I have never felt such a rush of independence. I feal so free. Like the first day i was on my own and my mom had left she called me up at 10 at night and was like "i've called you 10 times and i cant get ahold of you" all i could say was mom i love you and i just hung up. Its great. Being on my own really test how mature i am. Im surprised. Going to partys.. strictly for weekends. Hollywod is reserved for wed nights. I've met some awesome people. my professors are all crazy hipies. Yeah for being a ESRM major. Im like the only black girl here its pretty cool. Its so fucking hard to describe whats going on out here. Got my "used" ti so pretty phsyched about that havent been to a show in a while. Even though its not like sandiego ut here were i can smell the beach like 5 mins away the drive is lke onle 10 mins to get to a beach both north and south of us. I feal dark as hell. I went surfig this last weekend with sme pretty cool people. It was chill and i toatally diged it. Shit andee called me memorial weekend but we were at the dunes so my reception was bleeding. MMMMMM austin just came in. We both smell waterbaloon fights in the air. lol im going to go hit that up.la la la my head is so far up in the clouds cause im so happy. I think i will try writing again when i land back down on earth or whe im done with my water baloon fight which ever comes first......
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| chilling |
[17 Aug 2004|08:07am] |
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well it finally came its way to weird to sit here and have all my stuff packed up and ready to go. I cant believe its happeneing. well at least i completed one of my top hundred things to do. "not to live with my parents past the age of eighteen..." in fact i accomplished it a year earlier. jewls graduation for jewls just past. i hope it was a good party. honestly wishing her the best. Then of course my mind started to wonder and i remembered puch and i hope he has a bright future as well... when he graduates. I would have gone to jewls graduation but got stuck in stupid trafick on the 5 freeway. why would people have a graduation at 4 when trafic starts at 3 in sandiego. ughhhhhhhh then though about going to party but didnt want to go and feal akward around all other friends who think im raging crazy bitch..... but like i said i know she had a slamming time. i took out my braids yesterday. my hair is just one big puff ball i've never seen it this big its freakin huge. last night i went out and i was so embarissed cause as the night continued it got bigger and bigger. ugh it looked like a bon a fied afro thats pretty damn retro. i wish i could find my hair brush but im pretty sure i packed the damn thing up. stupid boxs. well at least im going to get my hair done today.
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| summer begins to fade away... |
[06 Aug 2004|10:13am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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THANK GOD. thats all i can honestly say to my self is im glad that this is all over. when people say they survived there highschool years they meen it. I think i barely sneaked and even then imsure my insanity has been taken. from the very begininning the summer was a dud. On the last day of school jeran crashed my car. grrrrrrrrrrrr and yes although he was faulted 25% everyone who was there said it was 100% his fault. ugh the weeks that followed that were a nightmare. battleing with insurance companies trying to get ahold or jeran i was pretty sure i was going to explode. i couldnt wait to get on the plane to costa rica which i did in hopes of completely forgetting everything in the states. well to make a long story short with my costa rica adventure NEVER GO ON A TRIP WITH PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW WELL. well i came home from that trip a little early do to conflict among us girls (oh yeah it got ugly out there). i came home in hopes to enjoy a stress free summer little did i know a whole lot of drama went down between my parents marc and jewls. ii dont even want to go there with that story its to sad. any ways my mom finnaly settled with the insurance company. If it wasnt for my mom jeran would have been faulted 100%. he didnt even know what was going on when i talked to him he was completely confused i was like jeese your clueless. so journal have you ever heard of a deductable. Well when you car goes into a shop to get it out you have to pay 500 dollars flat. i dont know why but you do. Well i paid the 500 dollars with the packing of jeran and his family PROMISING to give me the money. Now i spent the next month chaseing jeran down trying to get this money i dont have 500 dollars to fucking throw around. now if jeran would have just come straight with me and said "i dont have the moeny right now im really sorry i know it really sucks i dont want to give you a specific day when i can give you the money cause im not sure but what i can do is maybe give you like 50 dollars a week and try to pay it off" that would have been a good response. but nooooooooo for weeks i was avoided and in the end i was only given half the money for the fact that they said that it was half my fault. WHAT THE FUCK. the only mistake i made was i trusted a friend. i could understand completely if the accident wasnt his fault and he hadnt already PROMISED me the money but he did. i might have even gine 25% me and 75% me but that half and half bull shit aint working. ugh i needed another vacation. so i went up to my college for the weekend while they were having orientation. i thought i was in heaven. I met some really awesome people. The best thing about college is you surrounded by people who are kind of on the same wave length as you. every one there was really donw to earth and vice. classes were easy to get and close and personal with the teachers. my job in enrollment (woo hoo im like mini dean lmao) is great and i get paid bank. my dorm room is hug plus i have to share a bathroom with only one other girl and a kitchen with four girls. The girls are sweet too. Im excited. Im already gitteing involved with so much senate, community service (yeah for building houses), and a Sorority (who would have thought). coming back from orientation was a bummer but its keeping my focused only a week and half and im outa here yeah. when i came back i hit reality drama drama drama. i was being cool with katie cause i thought she was fucking awesome and a down to earth girl. jewls doesnt like katie. i have no fucking clue why. i pretty much told them that they need to work out there problems cause there being fucking stupid. so they did in they became friends. a couple days later i got a call from katie. she pretty much attacked and was like "what the fuck renee julian told me you were talking shit about me" i was like what!!!!! i cant believe you are attacking me like this. I was pissed all so many things were going through my head. I was just thinkling you dumb fucking bitch after all the shit i/ve done for you. i've cancelled dates with my bf so you could crash at my house cause you were to damn stubborn to be at you house, i gave you like half my closet including a brand new pair of globes i got in la if you wanted it and asked for it i most likely gave it to you, there were times you would call me in the but crack of a staurday or sunday morning cause you fucking car wouldnt work and i would drag my ass out of bed to go pick you up all the way in nowhereville to take you to work (by the way on one of those recue missions a rock hit my window and cracked it), i introduced you to everyone, i was like your fucking shourlder you could lean on. anmd this is how you repay me fuck you. oh journal sorry you probably want to know what the conflict was about. Ok of course jewls was envolved well i was mad cause katie took jewls out on a school night. I talked to jewls the next day and was like that was wrong of katie to take you out knowing that you need to pass your classes or your fucked. In the end i took it back. and now i really take it back. Jewls is a grown ass girl and shouldnt be having me, her freidns, or parents, to be begging her to graduate from highschool . if she wants to fuck around all night and then laugh baout how she slept through a school whatever go ahead im already done with highschool. i fealt stupid after that. I was kind of like what other shit does jewls say to people. oh its coming back to me she broke up me and marcs relation ship for like the hundreth time. well here we go journal lets back track a little. before i went to costa rica i would joke around with jewls and be like yeah im going to go clubing up there but eh dont tell marc. and what di she do she straight up and turned around and was like "yeah marc renee told me she was going to go to lots of clubs but she made me promise me not to tell you" ummmmmmm really chicks before dicks what the deal with that. I found out she would always be testing our relation ship. telling him stuff like "are you sure you want to be with her she gets tired of guys really easy" thats none of your damn bussiness julian. ugh whatever. in the end me and marc have a freidnship thats cool hes always there to back me up and help me out expecially with money. lets fast froward a little. so about a week ago i got a call from jewls saying she got her phone bill in 300 doallrs 200 was because of me. My jaw droped i started having flash backs to me being in costa rica calling her "jewls are sure this is ok for me to call you " yeah dont even trip my parents dont care they understand" riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. i was like whatever. without even asking to see proof of the bill i went over there and droped off 200 dollars in cash and left it at that. i went home and cried. I had a good talk with my mom after that. although i didnt walk away from the last 12 years of school with a million and one freinds. i came out lucky enough to have a couple of really good friends who have put in the equal amount of friendship i have put in. The number one on my list is the kelmister also known as kelly. we have known eachother for 10 years. we have had adventure after adventure. southparc, timmy, walking, metabolife, being fat together, being skinny together, and then fat, atc, dog fights, drinking, smoking, going from a republican to a liberal, and so much more. although we drift far apart in the end we know we onle live like a block from each other and we always have each others back. then theres marc. once dating then turned into a awesome freindship. we are fucking tight. he always make me laugh when im down. hes changed so much from the once inmatture child to some one who really cares. he always has my back and for some reason always knows were to find me when i try to run away from everything. and of course i saved the best for last theres josh. oh the hopeless romantic. no if you dont know the story between me and josh you must have crawled under a rock somewere for the last 5 years. in the end the two of us can recognize that we are the best of friends. although hes goofy, says kido way to much for his own good, has a funny hair cut, tries to be suave, and is really bean its ok hes a ride or die bitch. he seems to always dop by to say hello when im in the worst state of mind. That might seem like a bad thing but really it helps me chear up oodles. not to mention hes a aweomse cook as well as raquet ball player. some times i get scared that im going to start to like him and that not what i want. hes to cool plus he has like a million girls chaseing after him. hes someone i can see me visiting on vactions in college are being good pen pals i definately dont want to lose touch with him hes awesome and one of kind. this has felt so good letting this all out. im not mad at anyone in the end nor do i care if any one is mad at me. it took me 12 years to realize this but i am a good freind and that my friendship is valuable and any one who wipes there ass with it can go to hell. lol but really in end im doing fine. ive come to terms that i can also be my own friend. im excited about upcoming events. on the 21st im going up to LA to see my friends band play, next week im hopefully going up north to stay in friends beach house, and i just won a trip for 4 to las vegas as well as a cruise to the bahamas mmmmmmmm must find friends to take lol. mmmmmmm cant wait for schoool.
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| were do i go from here |
[14 Jul 2004|09:57pm] |
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ok well no one ever reads my lj anymore cause i never write in it which is good because i can write so much more in here. well got back from costa rica too much to tell and not enough patientce. i wish i would have stayed in costa rica despite how much i fighted with the people i was with i dreaded to come home home to fighting with my parents and friends. today i hung out with katie. i loved it i had no responsibility. it was like she knew something was wrong and she came to save the day. she picked me up and we spent the day at the beach. right now im suposed to be with josh. but i cant let him see me like this. my eyes are blood shot and i cant stop crying. my life just seems all fucked up. i tried to talk to jewls but she seemed mad i think its cause i was with katie. my parents got mad because i told them my plans last min. ive tried to be so good i have this completely different take on life. i try to be a really good kid and resect my parents im always cleaning the house or cooking. on my free time i help my friends study, make them lunchs, or just try to pick them up when there down. im trying to savor everything. all those times i always said savor every moment you never know whats around the corner, well i wish i would have take my own advice. my doctor told me i have cancer. no one knows i feal so alone i dont want to scare my parents or friends so i will just close my self up and hide. i wish it didnt hurt so much.
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| ditch him |
[21 May 2004|08:04am] |
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Ok so i have been dumped. What now. I have spent the last couple of days moping around the house eating everything and fealing completely sorry for my self. How pathetic is that. I was never like this. I've broken up with guys and felt no remorse whats so ever. But no IVE BEEN DUMPED.What the hell i dont get it. WE were so perfect together. Its not till i lost him that i came to the conclusion that i loved him. HMMM let me start from the begining.Well about 3 days ago me and marc had been discussing our plans for the summer. Of course he made me look like the bad guy for the fact the he is waiting to go into the army till december so he can spend the summer with me. Of couse i fucked that up because im spending a month in Costa Rica.In a way thats kind of messed up but the is something i've always wanted to do. I invited him. But he said he couldnt miss that much work. He really doesnt work at any place special so i told him he should quite hes still yuonge he needs to live a little and stop being such a pussy. Anyways we got in a little fight and i couldnt take it any more so i told him to call me later cause i was going to go to the gym. Of course since hes stubborn as hell he didnt call me back till the next day. He prett much was just like "well renee i dont think we should be together anymore" I was sooooo confused. Confusion turned to anger and anger turned to a three day sorrw fest filled will jello shooters and alot of food. thankgod i didnt have to go to work. I sear every where i looked he was around me i hated it i hated him most of all. What made things worse is that he kept calling me to see how i was doing. I wanted him to fall off the earth and leave me alone. By the 2nd and third day he was telling me how much he missed me and how he wanted me back. Inside im thinking YES YES and i swecretly want to throw myself at him luckily i had a little self control and said if he wanted me hes going ti have to try alot harder then me. Today i feal really good. I keep on seeing alot of my freiends that i knew before him. Yesterday i saw a friend that i had met at a party. He was really cool he invited me and my friends to go to his houses in mexico to go jet sking. I think im going to take him up on that. If marc thinks im going to wait around for him to develop some form of being prince charming hes got another thing coming for him. wa ha ha ha ha. UMMMM ok well anyways lets going clubbing buddies. im going to go finish my so called life.
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| i cant wait to get out of here |
[07 Apr 2004|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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99 red balloons |
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i love my live journal. I might seem as though i never write in it but thats good. The only time i write in it is when i have nothing better to do or am completely irritted. Its kind of like a free therapist that never talks back i love it. Well lets get started doctor LJ. Ok so its spring break i love it. I have had so much fun i spent my first week camping. It was great i got to be around knew people who all completely blew my mind. They were so much fun and sweet. They taught me great lessons about life and i think i taught them alot of lessons as well. It was me along with 7 other girls spending the week at san elejo. It was beautifull we spent the days surfing, skim boarding, boogie boarding, playing games, and getting our tan on. our nights were full of sitting by the campfire singing songs, talking, meeting other campers, getting to know each other, nursing our sunburns, and a couple other things that i really cant say ; ). I havent had that much fun ina while. Everyone seemed to really look out for each other. They were polite, everyone chipped in, and best of all i didnt have to plan shit. Daniel planned the whole trip. What astonished me is how each girl willingly jumped in and took a different job. i loved it we all worked as a team and came home alive even after being chased by a swarm of killer bees (no lie its a long true scary story), having our tents collapse, having one of the cars break down on us, being chased by scary molester drugy people, and so much more. my fave part was in the end when every one pitched in a dn got daniel some flowers and a card saying how much they apreciated the work she put into everything. That was so great of them. Ok im begining to ramble on but i swear this all ties in to why im so fucking pissed off. So before this great camping trip i started planning my own spring break fun for some of my closests freinds. I planned an over night trip to disney land. Ok yeah this sounds easy but let me tell you its not. For 6 of us i had to spend my time looking for the chepest rooms, booked them (FYI this is on easter weekend so every hotel is just about booked) but i found two great hotels for about 60 dollars each. Then i had to plan ride aangements, schedules, food,etc. By the way i have a job whcih i ussually work till 9 at night and then spend the rest of the time doing hw or arins. Anyways about two days ago my freinds go you know what disney land is kind of expensive lets go to six flags. FUCK THAT SHIT. i think i almost had a heart attack. Now from the stories i hear the finger all pints back at one individual but if you ask me its all of there fault . not one of them stuck up for me. You know said hey renee's been working hard on this why dont we just go. and if they are so fucking cheap why dont they save up there money instead of cruising around every night and eatig out. Shit it scares the hell out of my. I have already gotten a fat taste of the world out there and its pretty fucking hard , they have no idea at all what its like. Any ways on to my story. Now it was with this ittle event that made me think. Should i feal like m being taken advantage of. In other groups people share responsibitiy and help each other out but in my group its not like that i feal like i have to plan it or else it wont get done. And not one person has offered to help the only person who is helping me ismarc. And by the way in the end i have to pay for a whole fucking hotel room because if i dont my freinds will back out. You know what i dont have money to throw around. Unlike them i have insurance bills, phone bills, and fat tuition to pay for in about 5 months. In the end marc is paying for one of the hotels and all my gas. and i know im going to have to pay for alot more and im pretty sure the stress doesnt end. I guess im just really jealous. I wish i could be like daniel. Dont get me wrong i love my friends they been there for me most of the time. But in the end i wish they would just apreciate me more or see how i am always putting them before me and making sure they are having fun. This trip is going to be different though. Its going to be about me and im going to have fun with out one fuking care in the worls. Ive come to the realization that im gone soon and although i wanted to leave knowing i had atight group of freinds who cared about me as much as i cared about them its ok whatever we will see what happens. Nighty night journal.
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| long time no see |
[22 Mar 2004|12:19pm] |
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Wow has it been a really long time since i have written in my journal in a long time its the perfect time to start writing in it again cause i know that no one reads my journal any more cause i have no friends. lol well lets see this is the perfect way to get rid of my ent up stres. Well im not going to try to go back to far but instead just stick with recent events. College seems to be creeping up faster and faster. I went and visited uc stanislaus not to long ago. It was great i havent had that much fun ina really long time. Ever since i started going out with marc it seems as though i have really began to limit my self i stoped doing alot of things that i used to do which in a way can be a good and bad. But frankly i dont care i want to bad. THat sounded really weird. Well anyways back to this college thing i had a shit load of fun i felt really outgoing and what not. I think its because i have been pent up in a place with the same people for so many years that i am craveing a new environment with new people. any ways well i got up there and i made freinds with alot of people. It was great im not exagerating at all. we partied made friends, danced, went to a b-bal game (damn were the people there tall) and with all of that i didnt once cheat on marc it was great. I proved to myself that i know that when i go away to college i can still have good clean fun but stay faithful to marc. Marc swears that i cheated on him in stanislaus though im like whatever. I really wonder about him sometimes though. la la la lets see what else oh yeah girls league just passed it really sucked. The dance place was really small, crowded and alot of the girls there were really trashy me and marc ended up leaving early to go chill st the beach. for spring break im going camping for a week and to disney land for a weekend i am sooooooo excited. Yeah. Im kind of scared though because marc doesnt get along with some of the people like dez and katie. I dont think katie is going though. Well any ways im done with this im tired of typeing peace im going to try writeing more often this helps alot.
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| yo yo yo` EH TONY READ THIS THERES A PASSAGE IN IT FOR YOU |
[13 Dec 2003|12:54pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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outkast |
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What up home frys...
well last night was the big mens wear house party. OMG i had so much fun. I brought so many people with me. At first i was scared cause i was like "omg i brought 6 people with me" But hten i was just like whatever. It was me, marc,jose,julian,gohar,puch,and jeran. we all had so much fun. We danced alllllll night. And marc looked sooooooo cute in his tux. damnit i cant stay mad at him to long cause hes such an a wesome guy and when he does fuck up he honestly doesnt meen to. I was thinking about it and honestly i fuck up way more then him and he either just doesnt catch it or just lets it go. Like heres an example some guy said hi to me but it was ina really flirtatious matter and i said hi back right in front of marc. He through me a look like i cant believe you just did it but lets it go. He would never do something like that. Oh and then he came with me to my hair appointment and he asked to borrow my phone and he found a bunch of tex messages from josh and he didnt like that at all he tripped a little about that but then let it go. Any ways yeah me and marc had so much fun we partied it up and he is such a great people person. He made friends with everyone there and got invited to all the after parties. We started going to one but then i looked back at my watch and it was already time to meet the homies.hmmmmm but yeah im deeep conditioning my hair so i cant talk alot right now. But TONY WHAT HOLE DID YOU FALL IN I CANT GET AHOLD OF YOU AND I MISS YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I HAD THIS BIG DRAMA AND I NEEDED YOU CAUSE I COULDNT TELL N E ONE ELSE. CALL ME CAUSE NO ONE HAS YOUR NUMBER CAUSE I BROKE MY CELL AND CANT GET ALL THE NUMBERS OUT AND YOU GAVE EVERYONE ELSE THE WRONG NUMBER SO SHOUT ME A HOLLA AT 8519231 OR CALL ME AT WORK I WORK FROM 3-9 TONIGHT. oh for everyone in the group meeting at my house on sunday about trip and year book. 35 dollars due by sunday gohar i heard you arent going to turn it in till friday so lend me a holla about that porfavor. hmmm whatelse is on the agenda. Oh we are also going to talk about knots berry farm. tonight im thinking we should do cosmic bowling so anyone who wants to go give me a holla on my cell or call me at work at 4204622 i think that it im not sure. Ok well time to rinse love ya all. OH OH OH PUCH MEDITATION MANANA CALL ME ABOUT IT.
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| where to start |
[05 Dec 2003|10:16pm] |
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 blah |
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music |
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the whole used cd |
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ok well
once upon a time there was this girl named renee. She had had one failed relationship after another yet she still hadnt learned her lesson. One day she met a beautifull boy named marc. He was cute, funny, popular, everything she had never experienced. The next day he broke her heart. And the next day and for days to follow. One day he pushed her off the edge and really screwed over. Now this story may not seem to have a happy ending yet there is so much more. In this kingdom the princes had best friends. There was lady julian, lady gohar, homo puch(j/k, and the rest of the royal court of freinds. They all were there in thought and made sure she knew they were thinking of her. There was alos another special friend. He was one of the favored. The two shared a past of betrayal, romance, and a friendship that had been tested to the outer limits millions of times yet the bond these two shared was stronger than snoop dogs gold tooth. His name was Lord josh. Everyone in the kingdom saw this friendship as one of unique value and many even wished that the friendship would further. renee was just so afraid though to loose the one straight guy friend she could trust the most. But anyways after the nasty meen boyfriend screwed over poor little brown suga cough cough i meen renee Lord josh came to the rescue and saved the day. Hmmmm i would love to tie up the story in a cute little ribbon but its not done yet the story continues......but heres a little song.
and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole
through everyone that feels it
well your never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
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| my day is a little better |
[02 Dec 2003|09:09am] |
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what up hom girls and boys. Hmmmmm so yeah im teacher for a day again. Grrrrrr i almost didnt go to school today. If i spell some things funny its because my fingers are fat and these kings are small. Soooooo yeah me and marc are doing fine. I miss him alot and i know he misses me. I care about him alot. tonight we are going out and hes coming. you know how we got in a fight. Well he got mad and cut his hair like a dork. what a dumbass. lol he said he messed up so he had to cut it all offf. LOl i still love him to death. Yeah i cant wait to see him tonight. This sunday is the vendetta red and S.T.U.N concert. I need to get my tix. Ahh i have s many bils topay this month damn is im tight with money right now. Oh ok so last night i talked to mac last night. and ok heres my scandelous story. So theres this girl who liked/likes marc. they were suposed to get in the picture but i came into the picture. Anyways so eli, the person who introduced me to marc, wants marc to pretend to be that girls girfreind so he can tell off some guy who likes her off. ummm no i dont think so. Well i dont know some one give me advice please. And i being a phsyco gf, should i just let it go. he said hes not going to do it anyways well the bell is about to ring i will write again later.
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| why me |
[29 Nov 2003|11:17pm] |
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dashboard |
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so i just wornt a whole live journal about how shitty my day was and it was all earased. Stupid thing well here i go again. I had a really bad day. Alot of those have been happeneing lately. But i dont tell ne one. I just talked to my friend eliy and i fealt so good to tell someone everything. Alot of shit happened today and to top it off when i got home i my mom started yelling at me about me asking if i could spend the night at jewls. She started calling me a little nothing and stupid. It hurts so bad to have someone that close to you tell you that. I hated it. It makes me just want to die. Sometimes i wonder would n e one really miss me? Would me parents even care? Or would they just except it and move on. when i was done talking to eliy i wanted to talk to marc i called him up but he wasnt home. I checked my cell phone messages and he told me he was going out. Fuck him. MR. im so sick . whatever you fucking dousch. Lets see the next time i ever believe your sick. Im sick of this i dont want boys in my life and i want him out. I have been here for him alot and when i need him hes out running the street when he told me he was soooooo sick. Whatever. My aunt offered me to move to florida with her.....i think im going to take her up on it. I hate it her. I cant take another 6 months i need out. jewls please take the picture of me and marc off there it makes me sick to look at it.
What you've found sure upsets you
Never saw it coming did you?
Its easy to be suprised with both your eyes sewn closed
Handeld with great percision, another thoughtless execution
You're the subject of this exhibition
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.
These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the peices
Tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Call off the calvary, can't save a wretch like me.
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.
Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you
Your pulse is anemic, you're tired of the fire
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.
Call off your quarantine, can't save the rest from me
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scapel, Sutured.
Made whole again.
Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you
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| valium rocks!!!! |
[23 Nov 2003|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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druggedq |
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music |
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from autum to ashes |
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yeah so im all drugged up now and this passage is going to sound all funny. So yeah today was pretty cool at the begining i went to my zen session and that was off the heezy fo sheezy. murda!!!!!! But then i went to work. The drawer was short 180 and the blame fell on me. What a bunch of cock suckers. grrrrrrr. that fucking bitch lilly "well it couldnt have been me i didnt get any big sales like renee did. Why dont you go suck elias dick bitch. Theres like this steamy relationship going on between elias and lilly and im fucking going to tell everyone cause i have no shame like that. whatever i dont care im going to try to move stores that was my last straw i am soooooo sick of that shit. Whatever. And then theres my ass hole boyfriend who hasnt even called me. he's tripping about me going to college and i know he knows im having a horrible day but has he called me once NO!!!!!! fucking ass im so bitter right now. Im talking to josh right now and he always make things better......
You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do.
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| Working hard at school |
[19 Nov 2003|10:35am] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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destiny's child - oh yeah baby (jose's fave band) |
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What is going on home girls and home boys. Well im at school im suposed to be working on my college applicatons but im not cause im done. Everything is almost out of my hands all i ave to do is send out my transcripts but i am waiting for the letters from the school. I applied to channel islands, pomona, long beach, stanislaus, and SUSF. yeah for going to college. Yeah i am also planning a bunch of trips. In august im goingto hawaii for a week, for christmas vacation im going by myself to stay in a buddhist temple, im taking a cruz to jamica, and for spring break im going to germany to stay with my home girls. How fucking cool is that. I promised my slef i would travel the world before i got married i guess these are my first steps. Well im going to shop and by stuff off my moms credit card because im so happy. PS JOSE SAYS HI TO EVERY ONE just kidding no he doesnt cause hes a meen puerto rican wi th beef against people in wheel chairs.
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| boys are stupid..... throw rocks at them |
[17 Nov 2003|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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postal service (the whole god damn cd is on repeat) |
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SOOOOOOO if you havent noticed i only write in my journak when something wrong has happened soooo her we go. Today i was talking to when of my best friends and he asked me if i was really happy. with out much thought i said yes as though that was a stupid question. I put the whole conversation behind me and continued my day. I find my self back at the computer thinking about that question am i really happy. I lied im not. Im sad. But hey who really is happy. Maybe i complain to much or maybe i dont complain enough. I have this boyfriend and hes awesome. hes probably the best yet, but for some reason i find myslef always comparing him to this other guy. You know that guy who seemed to have been raised by nothing but women. The guy who pulls out chairs. The guy who bring lunch to your work. The guy who walks on the outside. The guy who brings you flowers and has no idea that you just had the shitiest day and he just made it a little better. i guess thats why hes my best freind. Nothing more. But really significant others will come and go (expecially with a scorpio like me) but best best freinds will always be there when "the dust clears" Thanks josh for being my best freind. Im sorry for being such a bitch to you sometimes. I love you too jewls, gohar and puch. You guys rock. hmmmmmmmm how about a little postal service guys......take some nightquil put on the postal service and let life take its course.
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| happy b-day tony |
[12 Nov 2003|07:31pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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any thigng from orgy |
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happy b-day tony. Well lets see it seems as though i go a couple of days without writing in my journal or in this case a month. My b-day just passed what what im the big 17. Lol its a trip im going to be moving out when i am 17. Not even legal and i've experienced more then most 22 year olds damn thats cool.i went to homecoming that was pretty fun. After the whole me getting in trouble thing i wasnt in the mood to go out and party so we went back to jewls house and chilled. I liked that. Ok so this is my journal and i should be able to write whatever i want im not going to hold back n e thing ne more well i really havent but i have held back n e info on my love life. Yes some think its interesting i just think its a big car crash. So after anthony... that was it. No more boys i was over it. just freinds. But then he came. Like i was sooooooo excited to take a rest and he just fucking comes out of no were paris or whatever. Who the hell does he think he is. i was excited to begin my journey into being a lesbian. lol well yeah he came and thats as far as im going because im alreadt fealing unconfertable telling my love life story. lets move on to today. im having an awesome day. One of my really good freinds called me up and we went and hung out. It was super duper cool. It was chill we went to boston market and saw the old cronies whoop whoop trailer. We went to boston market and i saw kelly and all them. I MISS MASIN. OK well phone maybe i will talk to you later
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| teacher for a day |
[06 Nov 2003|09:52am] |
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this is so freaking cool. So im at school right now and y teacher left to a meeting puting me n charge this is really really cool. I feal a power trop coming. I feal so good right now. I feal like a teacher. Thats it fuck zoology im going to be a teacher. i really dont mid to much i think it would actually be really easy. In fact im just going to teach connect crew. Damn that would be cool. Well n e ways yeah so im having a god day. The weather id finnally starting to shape up and so is my mood. i had some bonding time with my mom last night and that was cool i have really missed her to tell you the truth and i think im starting to get to know them a over again as well as im letting them really get to know me which is really really cool. the trust that hasnt really between us lately is slowly but surely coming back which is a really good fealing. Befor e i wanted to earn back there trust so that i can go out and do things that most likely would just break there trust again but now i want to gain it cause i know sooner or later they wont be there and it makes me honestly sad. I think the reason i am having such a great day ther then the reason that i am wearing the cool pearls that my mom gave me is that josh came over yesterday .... ok well i have work todo bye bye
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| a love story |
[05 Nov 2003|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Incubus "summer romance" |
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Once upon a time.....
There was this girl whos life was crazy and and as time progressed she was digging her self a whole so deep that not even she herself could get out. As her life sinked into the quick sand her dreams, desires, and child like fantasies went along with it. One day she made her last big mistake and it was then that she began to climb up the ladder out of the whole and with her, the dreams followed growing stronger with each day.....
Today i hada great day. I was frusturated this morning but everything turned out ok. I think my gov. test turned out really well. Josh came over and brought me all these really cool gifts for my b-day that was soooooo sweet of him. The things he gave me i could tell he put alot of thought into them which made it even more awesome because each gift held a special memory. Im really lucky to have him as a best friend well im tired as hell so its off to bed. Yeah for pro hour!!!!!
I'm home alone tonight.
Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
possible...with you.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I may have found a way for you and I to finally fly free.
When we get there, we're gonna go far away.
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
For years, I kept to myself.
Now potentialities are bound, and sleeping under my shelf.
Simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,
and we'll be there.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I may have found the way for you and I to finally be free
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| a new leaf |
[04 Nov 2003|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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anything by ALANIS MORISSETTE |
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So i just got out of the shower and doing my hair and all thatother girly stuff i do every night. But this time it was diferent. This shower was different from all others. It was although i was turning over a new leaf. Washing away the old me and planting the seed for a new me. i was mad all day because my mom went snooping into through my room and i didnt understand. Tonight my parents sat me down and talked to me. They found alot more stuff then i thought they did and to tell you the truth it is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. the way they talked to me was awesome. They werent mad or dissapointed they just wanted the truth out of me. And so i told them. It was great. They told me they loved me and they were there to help me. It was a great fealing. They didnt ground me they just kind of reinforced there love twords me. I guess you can say i lately have had a hard time knowing who lovedme expecially my parents but now i know they do and i i wont break there promise again this time around im going to right im going to do what i have to do to get out. i have so much more to say but i think i just need some me time.
"Forgiven"
You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did
I sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did
What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did
We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did
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| downhill |
[12 Oct 2003|08:50pm] |
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music |
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jewel-my hands are small |
] |
my day went ok. and then i got home. i dont know what happened its all a blur. Last thing i was saying my mom was fighting with me and then she told me i was nothing. god damnit it hurts. i didnt even say n e thing afterwards. I just looked down and took it all. Not even one of my enemies would say that. god damnit it hurts. I can barely see the screen cause my eys are all watery and my face is all wet with tears. Only my mom can bring me down like this. And she always knows what string to strike. So now what do i do. If im nothing.. why waste my time with school. I know this sounds lame. But it hurts coming from my mother and no reason for her to say it. it hurts cause i thought i was something. I thought i was nice and smart and careing but im nothing god those words hurt so much. I want to just leave and get out of here but it feals like i have 10 lbs weight on either foot. I cant wait to get out tomorrow. I dont think im going to school tomorrow. Im just going to get out of here for a while maybe drive up north that sounds nice.....
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